Thursday, December 31, 2015

Akemashite omedetou!



a walk down memory lane of sorts, but Christmas and New Years always seems to remind me of a time when I was in Japan, living in my favorite city, Kunitachi. It was a place where I lived for a few years after moving to the Tokyo area from Kyushu. I had originally wanted to move to Chiba, close by to where I used to live when I worked at Tokyo Disneyland. . . but by some fluke, and a tip at a festival we had just been to in the Shizuoka area, Western Tokyo seemed like a place to be, an area far away from the hustle and bustle of Shibuya and Harajuku...

 there I met some amazing musicians and friends whom I always think of 
at this time of year.

Happy New Year to friends and family 
around the world!

Thursday, December 3, 2015

We awaken from the stupor.

Let it rain, man
let it come

a herd of elephants with weights tied around feet with flimsy string

bring us to shins 
and body parts only thought about when time comes

shove with love

live me in jazz notes I might never have heard
not for 
a time
only 
to be true 
not to me
or a company

burnt pizza nights 
homemade hours 
KO
KO
RO


Thursday, November 5, 2015

Some days

I miss my good friends
more than words can express

when this happens
I lay down
give myself over to
good books
daydreams
and
nightdreams
allow myself to wander internally
 let myself be changed
and moved




Wednesday, October 28, 2015

thoughts on a cool(er) evening

The nights I'm lucid are the best nights.

My dreams, usually pleasant, drifting, have been strange in days of late
I awoke, heart thundering, after a too realistic nightmare
burning buildings, destruction, random killings in the street. . .
In the morning, I thought
"Did I eat pizza before bed?"
but no, of course, no.... there is no Mississippi Pizza, no real slice for hundreds, thousands of miles

That's just the state of things at the moment.

But when my dreams are beautiful, clear, my waking state is slightly odd, sometimes questioning, sometimes confused

And the opposite holds true.






Tuesday, October 20, 2015

better than cake


I want my heart to 
E X P A N D
to stop thinking of myself
to be gentle
to speak the truth 
from the heart
to have compassion 
in all circumstances
this is my birthday wish

-Thailand, 2015

on a canoe, in a cave, with krathong

on the best shiny, happy birthday 

Friday, October 9, 2015

throwback short-short


Free Melons!


“Becky! Becky?” A girl with large silver sunglasses approaches my table. “Oh, you look just like my friend -- oops!”

It was definitely autumn. Variable leaves of purple persuasions were swirling around my worn blue sneakers at the coffeeshop on Killingsworth. After buying a birthday present at the vintage shop across the street I decided I needed a cup of something or other.

Just a couple hours earlier, I had been sitting in the dark. I called my boss and left a message.

“Hey. . .  just me. Power’s out in the shop and on the whole block, looks like. Don’t know when it’ll come back, guess we’ll have to wait and see. Just wanted to let you know. Bye!”

Without any of the computers working, it looked like I could be sitting in the dark alone for the rest of the afternoon. A definite chill. 

Is electricity warming?

A dark-haired young guy parks his bike next to the cockeyed signboard, porcupine screws sticking every which way. He comes in. 

“Hi! Our power is out,” I say in my most cheerful warning voice.

“Yes, I know, I just want to ask you a few questions.”

“Sure.”

“I am from Brazil and I want to ship some things home to my mother.”

“What kinds of things?”

“Oh, you know. This and that.”

“Right.”

“So, can you tell me how much it will cost?”

“Well, the thing is. . .  it really depends on the size and weight of the package.”

“Yes, yes, I see. But, generally. Can you give me an idea?”

“Mmm. . . normally, I could give you a quote, but because the power is out, I. . .”

“But, in general. . .”

I clear my throat, hoping it will make a point. It doesn't.

“It’s really hard to say.”

The phone rings. Thank God.
My boss.

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” 

“Mmm, sure.”

“Could you take everything out of the fridge and stuff a bunch of paper towels in there?”

“Yeah, okay.”

There’s only a few things in the mini-fridge-- a jar of pickles, horseradish mustard, a tupperware full of wontons, and a can of soda (mine).

Five minutes later, my boss bursts in. 

“They’re giving away free melons at the co-op!” 

“Oh, yeah? Did you get one?”

“No, I don’t eat fruit. I’ve told you that before, I’m sure.”


Sometimes I wonder.


Local goats butting heads about politics at Extracto,
the best coffeeshop in Portland, Oregon, and possibly the entire world 

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

time to fall again

I had the strangest dreams last night. . .

all things new 
unexpected
dreams on the eve of my favorite month


This is pretty much 
how October makes me feel:

I also get a little nostalgic (in a good way).
Here are some images I found recently, which capture my love of this season.

(Yes, you can totally "improvise" a rice cooker. . . )

Have a beautiful day!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

a piece of a letter

"I was thinking of you today, because for some odd reason, I got in a long conversation with my co-worker about acting. He was saying how he always wanted to take an acting class, but never had the chance, so he was wondering what it was like. . . and I was talking about how there are lots of different types of acting teachers, and how one acting teacher's method of teaching might help one student, but not another--- so how when I taught acting, I tried to use different methodologies in each class. My co-worker was really into karate, and the movement technique in martial arts when he was younger, so he wondered if acting was mostly movement/physically based, and I was saying how, in my opinion it is very physical, but at the same time how you can do everything "correctly" and not be believable, so there is that "x" factor that is more of a mental leap than anything, and a certain technique often helps a person get there.  (Although, truly, I think that eventually an good actor develops their own technique, and method to get them to that place, and then you get to a point where "a method" falls out the window, and you just do things intrinsically . . . whatever works.)"

-to Mayumi
9/16/15

Monday, September 14, 2015

homeward bound...

my mind as calm as perhentian seas
and my heart like an infant's

I went to the islands with a blank notebook now overflowing

spent days with local people, 
Germans, Italians, Austrians, Spanairds 
lounging around all day in teal water at white beaches so bright you want to cry or sing or both
snorkelling with sharks, getting drenched in downpours, eating more roti canai than a person should 

now, on my way home, I realize that this is my favorite time of year, following a dark season of the soul, I open my eyes and see a new star twinkling, laughing above me

lost in a daydream, I remember a year ago
a decision to change
the river's course forever
all exciting and new, scary 
and feeling lost, I went toward the one thing that moved me
it was there, in the place I followed my heart
there I met an angel
who taught me how to laugh for the first time


Saturday, September 12, 2015

sky vision



I've been thinking of Nanao-san recently, 
and this poem of his floated into my mind yesterday around sunset.


Love Letter  

 Within a circle of one meter
You sit, pray and sing.
Within a shelter ten meters large
You sleep well, rain sounds a lullaby.
Within a field a hundred meters large
Grow rice and raise goats.
Within a valley a thousand meters large
Gather firewood, water, wild vegetables and Amanitas.
Within a forest ten kilometers large
Play with raccoons, hawks, poison snakes and butterflies.
Mountainous country Shinano
A hundred kilometers large
Where someone lives leisurely, they say.
Within a circle ten thousand kilometers large
Walking somewhere on the earth.
Within a circle one hundred thousand kilometers large
Swimming in the sea of shooting stars.
Within a circle a million kilometers large
Upon the spaced-out yellow mustard blossoms
The moon in the east, the sun in the west.
Within a circle ten billion kilometers large
Pop far out of the solar system mandala.
Within a circle ten thousand light years large
The Galaxy full blooming in summer.
Within a circle one billion light years large
Andromeda is melting away into snowing cherry flowers.
Now within a circle ten billion light years large
All thoughts of time, space are burnt away.
There again you sit, pray and sing.
You sit, pray and sing.

- Nanao Sakaki


Thursday, September 10, 2015

lucid


My state of mind is reflected in the ocean
Underwater life embraces me
a gorgeous symphony
colors that speak aloud
The second I'm bumping along, riding waves in a speedboat, I am suddenly alive again
for the first time
Dazzled 
and unfraid
just like the fish 
something of the infinite
Worlds within worlds within worlds 
are waiting to be explored



"Fish are friends, not food" 
-overheard


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

night bus

my heart is a stone
too heavy to lift 
like a nightmare 
this sensation 
mid-vacation
but here I am 
joy and pain 
a coin 
flipped
dropped 

solo 
traveler

Sunday, August 16, 2015

"The man who finds his homeland sweet is still a tender beginner; he to whom every soil is as his native one is already strong; but he is perfect to whom the entire world is a foreign land."

-Hugo of St. Victor

(via Pico Iyer's The Global Soul)

Monday, July 6, 2015

On Truth and Choice

* This post deviates a bit from my usual fare; 
I tend not to write about politics. 
Please take it as you will. It is one opinion in a sea of many.

I try not to offer unsolicited opinions…. but I did one recent night, in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep, images of Japan flashing back in my mind.

It was just after the Fukushima earthquake and tsunami— this story has been told time and time again to anyone who knows me…. I was living in Tokyo and experienced the earthquake first hand— a gigantic one; soon after we were informed about the Fukushima tsunami and disaster. A wave of sadness hung over the entire country, doomsday had come. A period of mourning set in along with frequent BIG aftershocks —hourly aftershocks--- and the horrific news about the nuclear power plant began to dominate the media. The news was not good. They were having trouble stopping the enormous amounts of radiation leaking out of the plants— brave souls were in the plants, sacrificing their lives to stop the leaking. When would they be able to make it stop? we all wondered. In a few days, a week at the most, two weeks at the worst, we all hoped, and it would all be under control. Weeks passed and nothing was fixed, and the aftershocks kept coming. We were not supposed to go outside due to the “radiation winds” and the shelves on the supermarkets were close to bare. How on earth did I end up in Ray Bradbury’s worst nightmare? I kept wondering. And then, I recall the moment I was watching TV, and the worst news of all came in. Scientists from all over the world were working on the problem along with the Japanese scientists and they took their turns speaking. Chills ran down my spine. 

Every scientist said the same thing: “These reactors that are leaking, because of how they’re set up— well, we are not going to be able to stop the radiation leaking issue for some years now."

Years?
Yes, years. 
How many years?
We don’t know.

After that, I moved back to Southern Japan, where I had lived previously, and then, moved back to the US. After moving back to the US, with the exception of an occasional news article, I heard virtually no news coming from Japan about any of it anymore— I won’t get into Japanese politics at all here, but simply put, the issue “went away” at least in the media. And, so, to the rest of the world, the “disaster” was over. It was terrible, but now it was over with.

But, guess what? 

The reactors are still leaking. 
Not just leaking a little, but in enormous amounts.

An article came out recently, confirming my worst fears:

And… my friends in Japan know.  Believe it or not, many of my Japanese friends living in Japan have actually stopped eating or reduced their consumption of fish or seafood of any kind due to fears of contamination. . . and for someone who is brought up eating a diet of 70% fish, this is no easy feat.

So, when I casually mentioned to a couple of my good friends in Japan that one of my Portland friends was going to Japan for the first time to visit, and he planned on spending most of his time in Tohoku Prefecture, their reactions roughly and midly translated were:

“Tell him to stay the heck out of Tohoku. I mean, unless he’s terminally ill already."

I care deeply about Japan and my friends there; they are still a part of me in a sense, so it makes sense to me that I should care about the radiation situation, but in the past, I’ve never felt so strongly about truth and injustice. Upon reflection, though, I think I know where it stems from. In the very recent past, I was in a relationship with a person who concealed the truth almost constantly. After that very confusing breakup, over a period of months, I realized that his concealing the truth was a means of manipulation. When you conceal the truth, you give people less options, and they are not allowed the freedom to make their own choices.

The truth, no matter how terrible or terrifying (and I can’t think of many truths worse than what’s going on at Fukushima) should be known, not hidden. 

So, I emailed my Portland friend in the middle of the night. My conscience wouldn’t let me off the hook unless I did.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

write night

I am sitting outside on perhaps the best temporary balcony ever 
in Singapore. 

It's sprinkling ever so slightly, and I probably should be more worried about my computer getting wet, but it is so lovely and cool tonight. The nights out here on the balcony are much cooler than the daytime in general, but with the rain and breeze, it might be about 82 degrees rather than 88, and, though it may not seem like much, 
it makes a huge difference. 

I realized recently, a couple of things:

1. Some of the travel blogs I love are chock full of content (as in writing). I love photos as much as the next person, but I am infinitely drawn more to a good read, an honest account of day to day life, and the ins and outs of being somewhere foreign--- the quirks of that particular place, 
both positive and negative. 

2. When I don't write, I start to feel strange. Like a beast trapped inside me, a story makes its presence known. I started to feel homesick a couple of days ago, and, generally, homesickness is just 
not something that happens to me. 

As a side note, I remember when I was about 7 or 8, I had a friend Kimmy, who lived next door to my grandparents', and we played together nearly every other day. She was very much a tomboy and much more outgoing than I--- at least, that was my impression of her. One night, I asked her if she wanted to sleep over my house (I was one of those children who was constantly sleeping over at my friends' or having sleepovers) and Kimmy agreed. That night, all was well, and then, suddenly, as it was getting late, she started crying and wouldn't stop. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. It was a first. My mom came in and asked her what was the matter, and she said that she was 'homesick.' I felt terrible, as I had invited her over and she was really upset, but more than anything, I remember having absolutely no idea how she was feeling or how to relate to her in that moment, 
because I had never felt the feeling 
she was feeling before. 

That has generally been the case with me even as an adult for the most part---- if I have ever felt something akin to a longing for a physical place in my past, it is usually accompanied by other strange symptoms:  vivid dreams and a kind of hyper anxiety. This leads me to believe, that what I've experienced hasn't been homesickness, but perhaps an inability to relate my feelings to another warm being for whatever reason.

I think home is a feeling--- and home can be anywhere you choose, as long as you surround yourself with good people and, 
more importantly, know where your own 
True North is. 


Thursday, May 14, 2015

Swimming. . . swimming

Down, down 
Into the abyss of my consciousness


This is all I need 
(and well, and a balcony to perch on at night is nice)

I need nothing, other than my own mind.

The truth is, though, certain places in the world stimulate my writing imagination.



Friday, May 8, 2015

In my wildest dreams. . .

I never imagined that I would be en route to Singapore to make a film based on my own proclivities, and on top of it all, have a means to an end:  
a well-paid job allowing me to teach, and in turn, further study, one of my own passions.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

the opposite of fear

The approach of a solo trip brings excitement, 
but also a sense of anticipation, which unexamined, 
can appear apparation-like as fear. 
I think it's part of human nature, the darker side of human nature, to give into fear once in a while; 
usually when we least expect it, 
it sneaks in like a thief in the night. 
Hindsight is 20/15, though, as it turns out. 
We find that our "ghost" wasn't real at all, 
just a broken fog machine. 

Now comes the real adventure, the LEAP!


"I do not think the forest would be so bright, 
nor the water so warm, nor love so sweet, 
if there were no danger in the lakes."

- C.S. Lewis


Sunday, March 15, 2015

There are days-- or weeks --

when I wish that things were going differently than they are, 
and then today
I have an unsavoury series of events. . .

an eye with a broken blood vessel, 
going into work after a half-conversation with a landlord who hangs up on me after telling me he’s heading to a sports event 
and that he doesn’t have time 
to even hear what I have to say.
Right after I get into work, my boss tells me that my good friend has quit out of nowhere, and now I’m worried.

I run, floating like the breeze on the dinner rush, 
until magically, it’s past 11:30.

Over shift drinks with my manager, 
we calm down gradually. 
The night is over for us.
I head home, and put on “Days of Jazz." 
It’s been a while, Miles.

There are certain songs that make me realize that I have so much more than I’ve even hoped for.
It’s kind of like getting slapped in the face with happiness. 
I’ll take it.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Antheia

This evening I will have the pleasure of working with a friend 
and talented photographer on a shoot where I will be portraying Antheia. 
I have learned so much in the past couple of weeks in doing research 
and thought I would share with you a little story which was related to me.

Antheia, a Pythia and Bakhai of Delphi 
by J. Obendorfer

In Greece, at the precinct of Delphi, on the western slopes of Mt. Parnassos, an oracular temple operated for almost 1,500 years.  Originally sacred to the earth mother, Ge, the oracle eventually came to be identified primarily with Apollo and to a lesser extent Dionysos.  Those wishing to consult the oracle would enter the temple and ask their questions of a Pythia, a priestess, who had entered a trance.  Her responses were sometimes clear and direct, but more often cryptic, even koan-like.

A priestess prepared for an oracular audience by fasting, bathing in the waters of the Kastalian spring, and drinking water from the Kassiotis spring.  She would then enter the Adyton, the innermost chamber of the temple.  She would seat herself on the tripod seat, holding in one hand a krater of water from the Kassiotis spring and in her other hand a spring of laurel.

As was the case with all Pythias, Antheia was born in Delphi.  

The nearest village is Arakova (modern: Arachova), about 3-4 miles to the south and at roughly
the same altitude.  In ancient times, Arakova was a small hub of at most a couple of hundred people, mostly goat or sheep herders.  To the north and west, about 5 miles away, down on the shores of the  Gulf of Corinth, was Itea, a small seaport and farm village.  To the north and east, out of sight over the mountain some ten miles away, was Amphissa, another small farming and herding village.

Although Delphi was (and still is) in a predominantly rural setting, the precinct and its village
were rather cosmopolitan compared to its nearby neighbors.

Delphi was heavily visited, by both ordinary Greeks and the Greek leadership or officialdom,
primarily to make offerings at Apollo's temple and consult the oracle, but also on business,
particularly financial business, to attend the dramatic festival, or to participate in or 
attend the Pythian games.

Then, as now, most the of residents of Delphi made their living in the hospitality trades, and
so I imagine that Antheia was born to parents who worked in the hostelry or innkeeping trade.

From early childhood, Antheia -- without overt defiance -- stepped out out of the usual bounds
and constraints imposed upon female children.  In those days, girls started to work at a fairly 
young age, helping to cook, clean, and perform the other chores needed to keep an inn or a
hostel or a tavern going.

Antheia participated in this, to be sure, but was never really productive at it.  There
was simply not much work to be got of her. Antheia's great love was to wander, usually in 
solitude, along the trails either down to the valley floor and its olive groves, or further up
the mountainside along the seasonal streams to where tree-clad clefts and hollows opened
into the rock.  These places were where Antheia was always strongly drawn, and so in the absence of any supervision, off she would go. If Antheia was needed for a task or chore, and could not be found at the inn, these were the best places to look for her ... if one could find her,
that is.

When asked what she was doing in the hollows or the olive groves, she would simply answer,
"Listening."

In the course of her wanderings, Antheia would come across small shrines dedicated to any one of  several gods:  Apollo, Dionysos, Ge, Themis, Phoebe, Athina, Poseidon.  Often these shrines
were neglected or in disrepair, and she would clean them up, leaving small offerings of food, wine,or flowers.

When Antheia was about fourteen, the pythia Euphrosyne passed from old age, and the acolyte Eirene was named to take her place.  This created an opening for a female acolyte that had to be filled.  The Pythias and Priests that served in the precinct were of course well-acquainted with the girls of the village, and the choice was obvious.  It was clear to them that Antheia had some calling to serve the gods, and on top of that -- she was not innkeeper material, her introversion and quirkiness made her an unlikely candidate for marriage, and all things considered, they might be doing her parents a favor to take her into religious life.  And in any case, those quirks that made Antheia unsuited for business life were encouraging and attractive, from the order's point of view.

And indeed Antheia took to her new role like a duck to water.  While her duties initially involved cooking, cleaning, and attending to the grounds of the precinct -- her chores simply having shifted from inn to temple -- there were less of them, and she had free time to wander about the heights of the mountain,  to sit listening to the murmurs of the pines, the bubbling of the springs, the babble and chatter of the  streams.  She was taught the ancient poems, or hymns, that honored Apollo, Helios, Phanes, Eurynome, Nemesis, Night, Demeter, Hermes, Dionysos, Ophion, and she would recite them as she wandered, both to aid her memorization, and for the pure joy of it.

In due course, the day arrived when Antheia was assigned to assist the pythia Eirene in preparation for an oracular audience.  She went with Eirine to the small arroyo below the Phaedriades, where the waters of the Kastalian spring pour into the marble baths. She helped Eirine undress and bathe, dry, and regown in the purple and white robes of a Pythia.  Antheia led Eirine to the Kassiotis spring, where Eirine drank of the sacred waters, and led her by the arm -- for Eirine was glassy-eyed, already half-way to trance -- to the temple.  She sat behind the tripod during the audience, listening to Eirene speak in a clear voice that both was and was not her own.  At its end,  when Eirene wavered in exhaustion, Antheia helped her down from the high tripod seat, gave her water  to drink, a small slice of meat to eat, and squeezed the balls of Eirine's feet as she had been taught.   It was then that the glassiness left Eirene's eyes, and Antheia smiled at her friend's return to ordinary consciousness.

And Antheia's days passed like this for many years.  She sat atop the shining rocks in the burning summer sun, closed her eyes, and could see the golden glow that suffused the mountainside. She could feel the dark and empty hollows of the underworld beneath her.  She herself bathed in the water of the Kastalian spring, floating for hours in the cool, silky waters that swirled through the marble baths before pouring out down the mountain side.  She spent hours preparing incenses and torches and  candles.  At night, she would dream of the rustling of the trees, the flow of the springs and streams. Many, many times, when the querents would come before the Pythia and speak their questions, Antheia  was there, sitting in the shadows behind the tripod, ready to assist Eirene or Chysanthe or Eidothea when the audience was over. The interaction between querent and pythia, between pythia and the Gods,  was never twice the same.  It was always electric, buzzing, in flickering light and curls and twists of incense smoke that floated towards the ceiling.

In between oracular audiences, there was always something going on.  Banquets in honor of visiting dignitaries.  Listening to the chorus of wolf howls from the higher slopes of the mountain -- signs  of Apollo in his Lykeios, or wolf, aspect.  Singing in accompaniment to the lyre of the priest Apollodoros.  And pervading all, the sense that Apollo was both nearby and far way at once.

When she was twenty-one, she was initiated into the mysteries of Dionysos: woken hours before dawn on a cold winter night, taken up to the very summit of Mt. Parnassos where the bitterly cold winds blew, drank of the waters of Lethe (forgetfulness) and Mnemosyne (memory), and the drugged wine that loosened the bonds of the mind.  It was there she learned to dance, first in rythym, and then with abandon.  She came down the mountain with a red wine stain on her forehead and another between her breasts, her mind reeling at the sudden realization: Dionysos and Hades, Lord of the Underworld, are one.

It was on a visit to her parent's inn down the mountainside that the word came.  Eidothea had fallen gravely ill, and succumbed swiftly fever.  The order gathered in grief and buried their sister. And when the rites had been observed, and the paeans recited, they met to select a
new pythia.  The vote was taken in secret, and counted by the priest Apollodoros.  When he looked up from his tabulations and his eyes met Antheia's, she knew of course, because intuition is the essence of a priestess of Apollo.

"I give you," Apollodoros said, "the very worthy Pythia.  Antheia."

And so it was Antheia' turn to the bathe in the waters of the Kastalian spring, to don the purple
and white robes, and the serpent pendant.  She drank from the Kassiotis spring, but her mind remained clear as Dianthe and Eirine led her to the temple.  She felt growing apprehension at this: for Eirene was always half-lost to trance before she entered Apollo's shrine.  But Eidothea had always stressed that every pythia's route to trance was different, that she would have to find her own way.

She swallowed, and consciously deepened her breath.  A slow processional walk across the Adytum, into the Antron where only the priestesses were allowed to go.  The torches were lit. Heaps of incense were thrown into the braziers.  She knelt, briefly, before the bronze of Apollo, and prayed that he would guide her words.  Then she climbed onto the footstool, turned, and sat down on the tripod seat. She gathered the fabric of her himation wrap around her.  Crysanthe handed her the krater of water.  Eirine held the sprig of laurel before her, and she inhaled its scent.

The world seemed to shift, and yet not shift.  It was as every surface in the room rippled, like
cloth rippling in a wind.  She felt dizzy, unsteady, and closed her eyes.  Voice that were not voices began to whisper, voices that seemed to come from everywhere, echoing off the stone walls and floor.  The voices ebbed and flowed, and somehow it seemed to her that the trees were speaking, the rocks and stones were humming, even the streams had their own voice -- It was hard to concentrate, hard to tease one voice from another.

"Who is wisest?" asked a human voice.  Antheia realized, distantly, that the querent was standing before her.

The rush of voices in her head stopped.

There was utter silence.

And then one lone voice, a very soft voice, a gentle voice, whispered to her.

"Socrates," she repeated.  "Socrates is wisest."