paradoxing

things that I think I HAVE to do or the world is going to end

give them up

Now

they are killing me 

curious

after laying them down

at the cross

they are no longer haunting

or 

daunting

Hooray

for other people being in my life

for finding the inspiration to write again

for seeing positive changes and feeling grateful

for finding that 'myself' is a self that is not limited to just ME

expand!

changes. . .

The biggest change being. . .

I see people who are living their lives for other people.

Nothing wrong with that. I think it's something that everyone does naturally, whether they realize it or not.

There's something to be said, though, for trying to live your life in a way that inspires others to be better people.

Last day. . .

in Portland, a city which I have enjoyed immensely and unexpectedly.

I came for an audition and found a whole world of urban gardens, rainbow-flowers, of people my own age. More than that, though, I rediscovered something of the dream I used to have of what my life could be. Living in Japan for almost ten years has been enlightening in its own way, but there is more in this life than meets the planning, linear mind.

Faith has opened up infinite possibilities once again.

eleven minutes

I used to write 3 pages a day, a very good suggestion from Julia Cameron’s ‘The Artists’ Way, but I think now that I need to tailor that suggestion to my own personality. Ten minutes of writing per day, or maybe eleven.  Yes, actually when I think about it, eleven minutes (also the title of one of my favorite Coelho novels) is more like it. An odd number (for whatever reason, I’ve always liked odd numbers), my birthday is on the 11th (10/11, which may explain the reason why I wavered between ten minutes and eleven minutes at first), and well, to be honest, ten minutes, a nice round ten minutes in which I could flesh out something juicy, or just write about what kind of a day it was, or have a rant, or, well, you get the picture. . . and then, it’s over. A unclimatic ending, no shaboo-shabang, no ping of a penny on tin, or a dense gong, no nothing. 

But, in eleven minutes, 

same scenario, a story in it’s completion, looking so so bleak, and then, 

in that very last minute, the fateful thing swings this way and that, and you think which one, which one? And there is a moment which may be brilliant, a

trivial beautiful possibility.

Fortune cookie writing

Making Valentine's Day Fortune Cookies

(a zen-ish poem of sorts)

A new love will soon come your way.

You are intelligent, witty, and people like you.

There have been stormy clouds lately, but the sun is about to break through.

The special person in your heart also loves you!

You will soon meet a new friend.

You have an incredible talent just waiting to emerge.

A friend from a long time ago will soon come back into your life.

You have a secret admirer.

You will discover a new passion soon.

An idea which you had a long time ago will come back to you.

Be generous with others and you will find much joy.

Give away everything you have and you will find a new life.

You are a truly happy person.

You have a talent for making people smile.

Let your sun shine.

Open your heart and have no regrets.

Your glass is more than half full.

If you’re going the wrong way, turn around and go back.

but, most of all,

Wait for the right moment.

There are worse things. . .

than not writing everyday.

Tragedies do occur. Being in the acting world for so long, one can forget that real life, especially in times of grief, is all-all consuming.


I agree that I sound maudlin' despite the fact that I'm trying so hard NOT to.


What I mean, is that, grief colors one's world. What I wanted to believe (what happened was a horrible dream; I will wake up tomorrow, and it will all be over), isn't even half the truth. When I wake up the next day, things won't be better; in fact, I will feel worse--- not unlike a terrible bout of influenza.


Feeling this feeling of missing someone who is no longer there reminds me of high school; loving a person who didn't love me back, the feeling that without this love, things would never be the same.


Except it's 100% worse.


There are two certainties in life, so it goes, and I'm not talking about taxes.